I don’t need a vendor permit because I’m NOPD’s dominatrix

Yes, you read that right! I was on the street two weekends ago during the NOPD’s joint state and federal police operation rousting street performers from Bourbon Street and the rest of the French Quarter, but I’m protected because I’m a dominatrix and some of the cops are my clients.

Apparently, cops were cracking down on “illegal” street vendors, like people who play instruments for tips, tarot card readers, etc. and citing them for not having business licenses and generally telling them to GTFO because this is what police departments do when you give them more taxpayer dollars than they need.

Using federal cops to crack down on people with tip buckets. What a concept. I didn’t realize we lived in North Korea. Definitely fooled me. There’s nothing that evokes a mental image of Orwell’s boot-on-the-face more than this shit. How ironic because that’s what these cops PAY ME to do to them. I’m getting hot just thinking about it.

It’s not like I even need to stand on the street corner to get business. And even if I do, I’m protected. I’ve built a solid and extensive list of badge-wearing clientele over the years. I’m not even on the internet, except for what you read here. People just page me when they want their asses kicked. I never disappoint.

I make a pretty good living doing what I do — no business license needed. Not that I’d ever get one. What makes you think I’d want to give my money back to my customers? I don’t offer rebates, honey. Males aren’t my only clients– females seek me out, too! “Mrs. C,” I know you know what I’m talking about! Let’s just say I’ve maybe made several recent trips to the Pontalba building.

Anything that your masochistic heart desires, you name it, I have it: whips, chains, paddles, nunchaku, platform Dr. Martens and maintain a heavy intolerance to dairy products, among other “devices.” I keep a copy of the Blue Jacket’s Manual to stay fresh on my knot-tying skills.

I even have my own handcuffs, batons, a Taser (trade from an old client) and uniforms for all of your role-playing needs. I know a person with chicken coops in “rural” Orleans Parish if you feel like going to “jail.” I am to please.

Not including bureaucrats, my clientele includes at least two dozen members of the local law enforcement community, about a handful of judges, countless licensed attorneys and highly-paid corporate executives. I charge a premium for my services.

I think about the people in the French Quarter who were cited for not having a vendors permit or forced to stop hustling under the threat of arrest. Do any of them include people reciting passages from the U.S. Constitution? Girl scouts selling cookies?

I get how the government wants to put a stop to random people serving up under-cooked burgers roasted over a hot plate on the sidewalk, but forcing buskers and tarot card readers to go home? This is not why people move to the French Quarter, given the history of this place. Tell me I’m wrong.

What if the Westboro Baptist Church held an open service on Bourbon Street, like they do several times each year, and they passed around an offering basket, you gonna arrest them if they refuse to stop? To be honest, that would be kind of hilarious if that happened.

What’s even more hilarious is how fast things go back to the way they were prior to the operation that the cops pulled two weeks ago.

If you need me, give me a call. You know who you are.

Athena DeCruelle is a French Quarter dominatrix and she loves to punish. If you’d like to respond or have any questions regarding her lifestyle, send Athena an email at athena@thequarterrat.com.