Category: Satire

Letters to The Quarter Rat

There’s a first time for everything, including The Quarter Rat reader mail. In this case, it’s an August email sent by a reader who goes by “Dave” and wrote to me in response to my Oct. 22, 2023 post about the NOPD’s street vendor sweep.

Apparently Dave is up for a spanking and wants no other than yours truly to administer a hefty dose of what I do best. On Aug. 5, Dave wrote (verbatim):

Hello Ms Athena,

I am dave, I recently read an online interview you did regarding the French quarter sweep by law enforcement  so I thought I might write. I am submissive male seeking a regular dominatrix for discipline sessions.

Please may I enquire as to how much would a 30 minute session run? I would like to visit niece a week.

Submissively

Dave

Dear Submissive Dave,

Thank you for writing. I first just wanted you to know that I am humbled by your correspondence. No one has ever written me before! You are also the first ever Quarter Rat reader to write to us. The tone of your email was so docile and innocent, and so sweet. Nevertheless, you have been a bad boy haven’t you, Dave? Shame on you. I’m going to flog your ass so hard, Dave.

Unfortunately, I’m unable to provide you with any current pricing information, since my schedule is completely filled for the next two years and rates will likely change by then, adjusting for inflation. But know that I’m very expensive, perhaps priceless. I’m still taking reservations for spots but given the new incoming presidential administration, I’m going to have my work cut out for me.

I can tell you, however, that I could have cancellations or that a session may end prematurely, leaving me with some extra time to squeeze in an additional client or two.

Given all of the high-profile political schmucks who’ll be seeking me out, it just might be the case that I am totally out of your league. In a world of possibilities, though, anything is possible.

But you must prove that you are worthy, Dave. Don’t make me put you in your place, Dave. I’ll put your balls in a vise. I doubt you can handle me. Many have tried, all have failed. I’m a pure machine. Give it your best shot.

I don’t fuck around. But when I do, I don’t fuck around.

Think about your own personal welfare, think about your family, your community. All of my customers have left satisfied, but demoralized. And now I’ve created at least an entire battalion of subservient human beings, effectively lobotomized through my imposition of domination and pain.

The world needs men, not crybabies, Dave. Just a thought. I look forward to your correspondence. Until then, keep your stick on the ice and don’t take any wooden nickels.

Sadistically Yours,

Athena DeCruelle

Not sayin, just sayin…

Graphic by Eric T. Styles
When you’re surfin’ your favorite site and see this shit.

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Pop Tarts are racist

Art by Eric T. Styles
Breakfast pastries have been a symbol of White supremacy and colonialism since honkies first learned to bake. Brought to America by imperialistic Europeans and forced upon itndigenous Americans early in the morning.

Just look at the names of breakfast baked goods: the Danish, the English muffin, French croissant and toast, Belgian waffles. The names reek of the stench from these European invaders.

The contemporary morning toaster pastry that has come to symbolize “American systematic racism and white supremacy” is the incarnation of the suburban atrocity we call “Pop Tarts.”

First off: The word “tart” is offensive to sex workers and should not be allowed. Combined with the word “POP” it implies indifference to violence against sex workers. Just educate yourself and be a better person.

A spokesman from the “French Quarter Think Tank on Stuff” points out the inherent racism that is baked into Pop Tarts. In a condescending tone of virtue he states the following:

“The blatant and overt racism of Pop Tarts has to be addressed. Look at the flavors, only white people would like the bland selection of flavors. vanilla creme and blueberry? No non-White person would eat that. If the Pop Tart people really wanted to bring equity to breakfast, they would offer flavors like barbecue and hot sauce. That would go a long way to bringing healing to this nation.”

The spokesperson really cranked cringe up to eleven by continuing:
“It’s also wrong to assume that minority communities have access to toasters, many don’t. If they do, their electric may have been shut off from non payment and they are forced to eat the Pop Tart cold.”

We hung up on him at that point.

I am literally shaking right now.

Chris Owens on film!

Bourbon Street’s most beloved entertainer is still spreading her wings and taking on challenges. The famous live performer is turning her talents to film. Ms. Owens is eager to commence filming her movie debut. “When I saw the photos of that handsome all male chorus line, I couldn’t wait for them to pick me up and spin me!”

Asked about the production company, “I had never heard of the company before. I believe it’s a Chinese movie production. The producers are two brothers named Bang.” Her reason for starting a film career at this point her already noteworthy life, “I think the older you get, the more you need to stretch yourself as a performer. I’ve been bending over backward to be the best performer I can be my entire life.”