Welcome to the party, Pal

I got up at 5 a.m. to go to work at the bars across the street as a cleanup guy. Rough night’s sleep between the fireworks at midnight and the revelers, more random fireworks, sirens from all types of response vehicles — kind of like most weekends living in the French Quarter. I can sleep through Mardi Gras. I often have news come across my feed about shootings and stabbings on Bourbon Street in the mornings when I wake up. I’m not often shocked anymore.

This morning, I was. I won’t rehash all of the details here that have been in the news coverage all day. I’ll share what happened in the aftermath, since it was a daylong event. As I was getting dressed for work, I heard a muted explosion about 9:15 a.m. I joked to myself, “Maybe I should go in late today.” I couldn’t blow off work, New Years Day and Ash Wednesday are two of the days that clean up people are the most essential. Spoiler alert: The bars and Bourbon Street are still a mess.

UPDATE: I just found out from my next door neighbor Andrea that the bomb squad was parked in front of our buildings. They detonated a “suspicious package” in the back of their truck at that time.

Damn it, that’s what happened to my DoorDash delivery.

I felt sick and numb from the bits of the news I watched before I went to work. I stepped outside and saw wall-to-wall law enforcement from every part of the state. I mumbled to myself, “I feel like the janitor at Nakatomi Plaza the day after Christmas. I ain’t cleaning this shit up…”

“SIR! SIR! Come over here please.” I heard a stern female voice bark. There was a Louisiana State Patrol officer on the corner of Royal Street pointing at me. I did the point to myself in a “who, me?” gesture. “Yes sir, come here.”

I was informed that my block, and many others, were closed due to the investigation. I politely explained “I live here, work there…”

“Well, I can’t allow you to re-enter the area,” the officer said.
“Can I just go back into my apartment?” I asked.
“No sir.”

Well shit. Fine, I have my camera, I’ll roam around for an hour or so and get some shots. I ran into fellow Quarter Rats who seemed just as numb and confused as I was. I saw my buddy Jett on his electric scooter (You’re too old for that Dude, you’ll fall and break a hip.) He wasn’t sure if he was even going to work. Tom from Royal Street and I had a somber exchange, and I ran into Shorty chomping on Brothers chicken for breakfast. Seeing these people somehow made it less surreal.

Bourbon Street was closed from Canal Street down to Dumaine Street, with one block closed on either side. From Royal Street to the river, the sidewalks were congested and many of the people were displaced tourists from hotels in the affected areas on Bourbon Street. It was a bit breezy and a chill was in the air. I didn’t put on a heavy jacket “because I’m only going across the street.” I went through Jackson Square and noticed the gates were still locked. It was rumored an explosive device had been found there as well.

There were many people milling about the river front. A lone bagpipe player was playing. Playing or practicing, it’s tough to tell with bagpipes. Either case, it added a somber mournful tone to the morning.

After an hour of photographing police tape and every agency in the state, I headed for coffee at the Clover Grill. It was the most stoic I have ever seen the Clover. Another local walked in, sat a few stools down and we made eye contact. I could tell that he wanted or needed to talk. The best we could do was look at each other slack jawed and shake our heads in disbelief.

After several coffees and a quick breakfast, I continued my mission of getting photos. I walked the perimeter of the cordoned off area up to Canal Street. FBI jackets all over the Quarter. Canal Street was crowded with one-third spectators, one-third cops and one-third press. I caught Brad Bohannon doing a live remote interview on Canal Street using a parking meter as his tripod.

When he finished, we chatted about what bits we knew or heard rumored. I whined about my situation about being forcibly evacuated from Toulouse Street. Brad said, “Come tell my reporter friend Cassie Schirm from WSDU.” She was the reporter I had been watching prior to leaving my building. I explained my plight. I complimented her on her earlier report. It was apparent that she was personally shook by the news but covered it like a pro.

Brad and I continued down Royal Street talking and taking photos. By this point it was after noon, three hours after I left. I again asked the same LSP trooper if I could please return to my building. “No sir, we can’t allow you to do that due to the ongoing investigation.” I might be dumb enough to try and argue with a state trooper, but I’m not dumb enough to try and argue with a woman.

This could go on all night, I feared. I needed to find a refuge and a bathroom soon. I headed down to Turtle Bay on Decatur Street and met up with Steve Smith. We discussed the breaking news and I asked for shelter. Steve of course obliged, along with soda and pizza. Damn good pizza, it’s because Steve is a Jersey boy like me.

At some point CNN had contacted the Quarter Rat editor, Dave Minsky and he being aware of my situation put them in contact with me. Not to flex here but CNN is reaching out to The Quarter Rat for comment. Not really a huge flex, it’s not like it was Tim Pool or anyone major asking. At 3 p.m., I gave a quick phone interview while squatting on the office balcony at Turtle Bay, explaining how we are locked down still in some areas.

I also griped about how useless the bollards and street blocking was. I mentioned the moveable barriers ran on tracks that quickly fill with litter making them next to useless since they were installed back in 2017. My rant about that will come in the next few days.

At 4 p.m., I again approached the LSP trooper and before I got to her vehicle, I saw her look at me and shake her head no. This is getting serious. I’m cold, my old joints are aching and my weed is back in my apartment. I better work on a plan B. It’s been 14 years since I had to roam the French Quarter looking for a safe place to crash, I don’t like having to do it again.

I only have a potato flip phone with no Facebook access. I’m an old grumpy fuck who refuses to get a smart phone. Maybe I can crash at my boss’s place, maybe Pete Oneil will let me couch surf. Dave even put a notice on our Quarter Rat Facebook page. Thanks, Brenda, for the offer, but I’m home now.

I returned to the safety of Turtle Bay and decided to have dinner, and try again at 7 p.m., 10 hours after I left. I figured a shift change must have happened and perhaps the next cop will be a bit more sympathetic. As I hobbled up Royal Street, I was relieved to see a fresh faced trooper standing by the barricade. I toyed with an idea of a last-ditch bullshit story about needing my insulin back at my apartment. I don’t like lying, not even to the cops. It never goes well. The way my day was going, he would’ve still refused me and called an ambulance. Let me try reason first.

I had my identification in my hand as I approached and offered it to him.
“You make me feel like a bouncer,” he joked
“You’d make a good one,” I replied. “Please sir, I have been out of my apartment for 10 hours, may I please go back to my building?”
“Which one is yours?”
I pointed to it 40 feet away.
“That one is yours?”
“Yes, may I please go back?”
“Well, I am NOT going to stop you from going home sir.” He lifted the police tape for me and said, “Have a good night at home sir.”

Friends with the owner

If you walked into Molly’s on Toulouse and thought that boasting “I’m friends with the owner” would give you any clout, you would be met with four out of five patrons raising their hands and saying, “Us too. What’s your point?”

The passing of Erin Churchill is devastating to so many people that she has touched over the years. Even as a casual acquaintance with Erin, you knew how much of an exceptional person she was. For those of us with a close relationship with her, it is deep personal loss.

It’s a great loss to the French Quarter, a successful business person and a wonderful soul is gone. I could write a thousand words praising her qualities, but they all would fall short of describing her remarkable character.

We are all fortunate to have even known her, we are better people for having done so. There will forever be a void in our lives and in The French Quarter without Erin Churchill.

Oh the outrage

Our latest Quarter Rat Newspaper is our 7th issue in the past year. There were times we had editorial discussions asking ourselves if we were crossing any lines. Nope, we pretty much ran with every stupid juvenile idea we came up with. Brains on Bourbon Street, celebrity gossip, porn for hobos, accusing the First Lady of France of being a shape-shifting reptilian, mouth to ass recipes and page 3 girls with ample cleavage. Add to it Jay Slusher’s true stories that read like Tarantino scripts rejected for excessive violence.

A Mardi Gras issue is a must for us, but they are so boring. We locals don’t want to read about the time of the year we dread the most. Quarter Rats drink to forget Mardi Gras. We all know the history, the krewes and traditions. Parade routes can be found anywhere online so why waste the newsprint.

We figured if anyone was going to bitch about anything, it would be about our “FUCK MARDI GRAS” headline. That’s like a newspaper in Rome running the headline “FUCK THE POPE.” Some sacred things can trigger zealot outrage if disrespected. Over the past year and all the shit we have printed, the only negative feedback so far has been Issa’s centerfold in this February issue.

Really? This is The French Quarter, correct? Technically, she isn’t even nude. She could wear that to the beach if she wanted some amusing tan lines. We all walked past “Nipple Glitter” stands on our way to work this season, but a Vargas like pool table pose is too much for some Quarter Rats sensibilities? Most all of you loved it and were proud of Issa. One of her co-workers commented to me:
“I am impressed by her being so comfortable with herself and the don’t give a fuck attitude.”

So are we, that’s why she is part of our QR team. After she contributed her hilarious deadbeat Nicolas Cage story, this paper knew it needed her to contribute more. This issue was just a quick 8-page issue just to say we did it. For the FUCK MARDI GRAS issue, a middle finger and titties seemed like a great cover idea, let’s ask Issa.

No one has directed negative comments to the editorial staff of this fine publication, instead they were directed personally at her. That pissed me off. Issa is like a daughter to me, Ok, a stepdaughter. Maybe more like a cute stepdaughter in a Florida trailer park kind of way. We all love her and let her be her.

One person said to her: “Why did you do this? You must have been manipulated or coerced into doing it.” A real insult to any person, especially her. That statement implies weakness and a lack of self-agency on her part.

She was asked a week prior to the shoot and could have backed out at any time. As we shot the photos, she reviewed every one and gave feedback. Her boyfriend was there. Issa got to approve the final layout prior to being sent off to the printer. The readers I ran into who saw it cheered for her.

One of you fucks actually commented to her about a “double chin.” I’m sure the one who made the comment is a chiseled like a sculpture. What a dickhead thing to say. It’s socially unacceptable to say to a woman “Nice tits” but it is somehow socially Ok to say, “Nice chins?” Go back, apologize to her and buy her a shot.

No man has the right to tell a woman what she can or can’t do with her own body! Only a woman is allowed to tell another woman what she can do with her body.

If you are a 300-plus pound feminist with a shaved head objecting to a sexualized woman, I get it. If you are a male feminist objecting to it, you probably have never even touched boobies. Wait until your balls drop then comment.

We didn’t have a misleading headline with no hint as to the content. Big words above the fold “OUR VERY FIRST CENTERFOLD ISSA!!” Only after you unfolded the paper did you see electrical tape over her nipples. If that was too shocking for you then proceeding to the centerfold was probably a poor decision on your part.

The actual centerfold was totally absurd. A parody of sorts. Did we do the cliche’ accompanying text of: “This hot European import is Issa. Her turn-ons are Harry Potter and puppies.” No. Our centerfold was cluttered with Steve Buscemi trivia and a 9/11 reference. What kind of a fucked-up publication would print such dumb-ass shit?

Oh wait, yea.

Her body, her choice.
Picking up the paper, your choice.

The Quarter Rat’s July’s Page 6 Girl

This sexy little European import is Issa. She tends bar evenings at the Toulouse Dive bar and Molly’s Irish Bar on Toulouse Street. Years ago Issa bought this dress for a Spice Girl costume with her friends. The next July Fourth she grabbed it from her closet to wear since it was the only thing that she had that was red, white and blue. It was only later that someone pointed out to her the irony of wearing a British flag on Independence Day. Being Swedish, she knows how to be a good troll and has worn it every July Fourth since!

A Swedish girl wearing a Union Jack dress in front of an Irish pub in the French Quarter, how very American!

Issa can be found at Molly’s Irish Bar on Wednesdays 10pm – 6am and Thursdays 10pm – 6am. You can also find her working at The Toulouse Dive Bar on Tuesdays 10pm-6am and Fridays 11pm-7am.
Stop in just to see what she’s wearing, it’s always interesting!