Dear Mr. Dean

Dear Mr. Dean:

I was informed by a co-worker that you had stopped by the bar. You brought up to her your past involvement with the old Quarter Rat magazine while boasting about being a writer. She had also written for us and was excited to tell you about the recent incarnation of it. Your alleged response was: “If Styles is involved, it must suck.”

Let me put your concerns to rest. It has never been better. The publisher is an actual reporter, with actual newspaper experience. A reporter, not a “journalist.” Unbiased reporting of facts with verification and credible sources, written free from opinion or spin. NOPD and City Hall press people are taking our calls from The Quarter Rat newspaper to answer questions. How cool is that?

Tabloid sized 11 inches by 14 inches, 16 pages (4 in color) and in newsprint. I have been dreaming of this for 10 years. These are getting scooped up faster than the old ones did. Never any left over. The publisher and I bust our asses to try and keep this as a topical monthly publication. It is seriously not easy. A real effort since we both have a day jobs. Did I mention he’s still a working reporter and also a full-time graduate student?

Jay Slusher is our featured writer. When the publisher approached me to start this back up and asked who we can get to write for us, Jay was on top of my list. It wouldn’t have been The Quarter Rat without him. I just add print layout, ad design and an occasional editorial opinion. OP/ED pieces are clearly that. We are uniquely different from the other numerous monthly publications in town.

I hadn’t thought of you in years, but I’m flattered that you remembered me. It made my morning with hearty laughter. At first I thought I would post a snarky retort here. It’s challenging. I could go for the easy personal attack on you, but I can’t think of anything unique or specific about you that I could poke fun of. You are just generic, void of originality, creativity or independent thought. A non-playable character.

I’ve made all of the hipster observations that I need to in my past writings. The pretension, consumerism, narcissism, the self righteousness copy and paste ideology. Endless snobbery about music, food, nasty beer and celebrity worship. Are you one of those? And you’re a writer? Every hipster claims to be a writer, artist or musician. If you didn’t make any of those title claims, that would be unique.

Please don’t ever try to lay claim to the title of journalist, I’ll clarify why I say that. On March 15, 2018 you posted on social media a breaking story with your spin on it. The headline read: MIAMI BRIDGE COLLAPSE KILLS SEVERAL. Your comment: “We have money to build walls but not for our infrastructure. SMH.” That was your third “Orange Mad Bad” post that night. I had to click on it. You know, get more information, an understanding and some knowledge of the story before I made a comment.

The very first sentence in the breaking news story was something like: a pedestrian bridge under construction collapsed in Miami killing several…” You couldn’t even be be bothered to actually click on and read the article before you offered up your hyperbolic opinion on it. Obviously, you just spent your time scrolling the news and thinking, “How can I bash the right?” Click and share, get those likes from your tribe.

Another loud fart in the echo chamber.

There were a few instances like that, but that is the only one I still remember. You probably wouldn’t like the new QR newspaper. We actually go out and interview people, verify information, quote officials, go directly to those involved and ask for comment. Write it up clearly without a narrative. Very different approach to covering the news than you are probably familiar with. Kind of old school news reporting.

And yes, we still have lots of boob photos.
Best of luck with your future,

Clean Up Guy,
Art Director
The Quarter Rat Newspaper

The Quarter Report!